It's all you

ALL YOU

I said I’d follow you

Where ever you went

Assuming I knew

What that meant

Until you changed my plans

Growing up in church

I knew it wouldn’t be

A walk in the clouds

But I never expected this

I cried out

Pleading for release

This was not what I meant

When I asked

For you to strengthen my faith

Torn, Separated

You felt so far

But Lord, I knew

We were never apart

I don’t know your plans

Or where you are

But God I know

I’m protected

In your hands

So I let go

It’s all you

Dreaming of College

I think we all know that this past year didn't go as I had "planned". I've been dreaming of college since my first sister stepped onto the OBU campus over 6 years ago. I could picture myself being there, saying bye to my parents, looking at the peers that surrounded me trying to figure out who would become my closest friends over the next 4 years. I had it all figured out! I was going to survive on ramon noodles for as long as it took! I was going to call home and complain about my roommate. I was NOT going to gain the infamous freshman 15. I was going to go to IHOP at 3 in the morning,because honestly, where else is a christian girl suppose to go at such odd hours! Everything was going to be just as I imagined. HA!


INSTEAD, I sit before you still unsure of what college will mean for me. 


I never thought it would upset me this much, the whole not leaving for college. It didn't really hit me until I started walking into stores where rows were filled with college essentials. From coffee pots, to the microwave you sneak under the bunk bed, or even the mini fridge that you almost immediately regret buying because it doesn't keep anything cold, it all seemed more appealing. Organizers were in bright colors, screaming everyones name except mine, why? Because I didn't need them. I log on facebook and even that is not an escape. Facebook is flooded with college plans, moving trips, pictures of dorms. I find myself being a little bitter, not that I want to be, and I try so hard not to be, but sometimes I catch myself distancing myself from those who are going off to college, because I'm to upset that I'm not doing the same. I know it's ridiculous. People keep telling me that I made the right choice, that it was smart of me to stay home, go to a college near by for the first year, get back on my feet, get healthy, save money. I hear it all, and I hear it all to often. I hold back tears when I hear it. I nod my head to agree, as if I'm truly ok with it. But on the inside, all I can think is, it wasn't my choice. I didn't want this. Daily I pray about it, and usually I pray that God will make it easier to deal with, that eventually I will be ok with it. Till then, I've decided to take the first semester off to focus solely on my health. Then I will enter in next semester and take classes through the summer. If it's God's will, I plan to go off to college next year. But for now, for now I'm here.

2 Corinthians 5:7

"We live by faith, not by sight."

God,I trust in your plan. Like it is said in the Lord's prayer, "let your will be done", and I've always been told, it's better to be in God's will then anywhere else.

My Knight In Shining Armor

I LOVE the disney princess movies. I always have. I just love the fairy tale dreams about love. But being a girl, I think sometimes we search for love in places that don't/can't fulfill us.. like our parents, our friends, and most commonly boys... How do I know? Well because I've been there, and back again. When I moved to Texas it suddenly became important to me for guys to like me. Why? I'm still not sure. But I never felt like I was enough, good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, unless I knew there was a guy who thought I was. Time always tells, and eventually my heart was broken, over and over again. And when that happens it's like it left a hole bigger than the one that started. Being a christian already I knew what God's word had to say about my heart. 


In Proverbs 4:23 God says; Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.


OH how true that is. But sometimes I still crave that fairy tale, that knight in shining armor, the one that will come, whisk me away, fight for me. And recently someone pointed out to me the ultimate knight in shining armor. JESUS HIMSELF!


Revelation 19:11 say; Now I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And he who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war.


How amazing it is to know I can still have my fairy tale! And to think it comes from a king who will NEVER let me down. Now that's something! So awhile ago, I decided I wanted God to be the guarder of my heart, the knight who fought for me. And Maya Angelou's quote explains it perfectly, "A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ, that a man should have to seek him first to find her." The great part about this saying is it reminds me that it's not my job to seek after the man, that's not what God wants. God wants to protect me, he wants to stand guard, quiz the man a little bit like my dad would before he'll let him to me. And this way, I'll know that if the man goes through God to get to me, he's definitely the one for me. :) 


My knight in shining armor is perfect! And He wants to come to rescue YOU too! 

Control

Ever since I was little control has been something I have become accustomed to...

I would wake up every morning, and for the most part I knew what the day would hold for me. I would walk to the fridge and look at each list....

Chore list - check

Menu - check

And believe me, if anything on the lists changed, it most likely wouldn't be done, or even noticed. (just ask my parents ha!)

I liked the habitual state I was in. For me, it's comforting to wake up and face the day knowing what's in store. I am the type of person who detests change. I am not good with change.

But God, God has an extreme sense of humor. It seems every time there is change in my life, it is not just one thing, it is the mother load. My family always jokes that when God changes things, he tends to change everything for us, and usually it comes quickly and with seemingly no warning.

And once again... I am in a period of change...

School

Friends 

Church

College

Health

As the saying goes... when it rains, it pours... and its pouring over here... 

Let's face it, as humans, we ALL want control of some sorts. Whether it be our circumstances or even just ourselves. I guess God's reminding me of a lesson I'll never stop learning... God is in control.

Psalm 55: 22 

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.

He tells us to give it up to him, because only through him can we be sustained. So here I am.. once again Lord, surrendering control to you.....

NEVER Alone

Each morning I wake up and force a smile on my face. I pretend I don't feel the creeping pain that alternates right side, left, right, left, as if it's a game. I sit alone, in what's typically an empty house and pray to God that today, another day, I would not let this overcome me. I search for ways to feel accomplished, a trip here, a task there. But more than anything, I search for means of contact. As humans we all have the desire to be near people. Loneliness is a great fear. BUT I have some liberating news!!!

Romans 8: 35-39 says:

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? 

Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 

As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." 

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 

For i am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

God gives us an answer NO circumstance can imprison! He tells us that nothing else in ALL creation can separate us from his love. Which means we are never alone because God is love.

Today in my Thursday morning bible study a wise woman I know said something that really stuck out to me. She said, God promises us he will never leave us, he not only shows he is there, but most of the time he also sends us a warm body. All day long I have dwelt on what she said. Although God has shown that to be true in my life many times before I was having trouble with it. And my natural reaction is to what? ASK! So on I went...

 "Now God, I know you never leave me alone, I know you are here, but hey, I've been "alone" for some time now, so where's my warm body?"

I can only imagine he got a good chuckle out of that one! And his answer was simple. Ever feel like when he answers you it's like a thump on the head? DUH, my child, the answer was right there....

And for me, it was!

God showed me I have...

A mom who knows my struggle every step of the way. Who cries when I cry. Who tames my raging thoughts and reminds me of the truth, and plan God has for me...

A dad who's valiant efforts to be my knight in shining armor there to save the day speak volumes on their own

A sister who invites me over, day after day, so I don't spend them alone

A sister who after long days of work, long drives, and in the late hours of the night stays in my hospital room to make sure I'm okay

A 3 year old nephew who tells me "don't leave..." with the most genuine eyes if I even get within a near distance of the door

A 1 year old nephew who runs to me smiling when I enter the door

A brother in law who never fails to make a joke

And a church who prays

God never promised us a constant supply of friends or new confidants in times of struggle. But one thing he promises us  is that no matter how we feel, we are never alone. We can never be separated from his love.

And sometimes.. sometimes he uses those times to remind us of those he has forever placed in our lives. Our warm bodies that keep us from feeling alone.

To Save A Life

Last night I went to the movies with my youth group. (Hints the inspiration for the title of this post.) The movie is entitled "To Save A Life". (and just a side note, if you haven't seen it, it is a must see!)

Coming out of the movie my head was spinning. I wanted to share what I learned from it, yet somehow when it came down to the time to share I couldn't say a word! For me typing things or singing things seems to be the easiest way to communicate. So here I am.. typing it out for whoever out there decides to tune in....

In the movie the main character, Jake Taylor, gets to the point where he realizes he needs Christ in his life. Everything is going great. He is impacting lives of those around him who have been christians, and ones who just needed Christ's love. But, as is life, disaster strikes. Things happen that we never planned for, we don't know how to handle. Jake became angry with God, and told him so, but also pleaded for his help. Sometimes I think, even as christians, we expect life to be easy. But like Jake, disaster has struck. Since August I have been dealing with health issues that came with no warning. I'm a creature of habit and my life has been anything less than habitual. In and out of doctors and hospitals has been something I've come to expect. Not being able to attend school for my senior year has been tough. But not getting a break, feeling like there is no end to the problems has been worse. I, myself, have at points been angry with God. And as much as it pains me to say it, I have. Countless times I've prayed asking for a simple why, a relief of any kind. But God, he works on his own timing, as he's showed me many times before. So I'll start from the beginning and share with you what he's been showing/sharing with me.

Just a week or so ago I took a trip to Mardels in search for soundtracks. I tend to be very meticulous when it comes to these kind of things and spare no time in search for the perfect song that speaks to me. In the process I found a song that seemed to be a reflection of my life!

Have Your Way by Britt Nicole

Feels like i`ve been here forever,
Why can`t you just intervene?
Do you see the tears keep falling?
And i`m falling apart at the seams.
But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn`t hard,
But you promised you`d take care of me.

So I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And I`ll trust you,God, with where i am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

When my friends and my family have left me,
And I feel so ashamed and so cold.
Remind me that you take broken things
And turn them into beautiful.

So I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And i`ll trust you, God, with where i am,
And believe that you`ll have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

Even if my dreams have died,
And even if i don`t survive,
I`ll still worship you with all my life.
My life.
Whoa-oh..

And I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And i`ll trust you, God, with where i am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

I know you will.
I won`t forget.
Whoa-oh
You love me.
Have your way.
Yeah 

AMAZING IS IT NOT!? And it took the words right from my mouth! So since then I have been singing it non-stop, praying it as I do.

This brings me to last night. After returning home from the movie, and my reluctant silence in "share time" I sat down on the couch, sorting my thoughts. I laid in bed and attempted to sleep thinking that would bring me clarity, but I couldn't sleep! So.. what did I have left to do then sit up and pray? So I did, and my prayer was simple, "Don't let me sleep until I hear from you". And God is good! And here's what she showed me.

Psalm 9:9-10
The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.

Now at first reading those verses stuck out to me. But even though I knew the meaning to the words in there, God chooses certain words for a reason. So, I took the time and looked up a few words.

• oppressed- to lie heavily upon, burden with cruel or unjust impositions or restraints
• stronghold- fortress, place that serves as the center of a group
• forsaken- deserted, abandoned, forlorn, leave entirely
• seek- to go in search or quest, to try to find or discover by searching or questioning

Those words put those 2 verses in perspective for me. Oppressed (burden with cruel or unjust impositions or restraints) was how I have felt about being sick. Stronghold (serves as the center of a group) God has called us to put him in the center of our life, our stronghold. Forsake (leave entirely) through this I've called out to God, asking him to draw near, help me, and there's been times I've felt him no where near, yet he reminds us.. he will NEVER leave us entirely. And seek! One of the most important words (search! quest) he tells us that if we have made it our quest to find him, he'll never leave.  God really spoke to me through these verses last night, urging me to seek, to keep seeking, and he will never forsake me.

So... I'm going to bring it all back to the movie. To Save A Life. There are people out there who feel oppressed, forsaken, and yet have no hope of a stronghold. And the movie implores us to reach out to them, to share with them the good news of an amazing God who has truely come to save!

I'll be back to share with you what God has shown me as I embark on this journey... join me...